Miscommunications and Unrequited Love

Cordelia,

How do I know if this girl I’ve been hanging out with really likes me?

We have known each other for ten years but recently started hanging out. We flirt a bit here and there but I’m the one who’s always flirting with her, not the other way around. She’s my good friend’s sister and friends with all of my friends. Her brother doesn't want us together but we sort of just keep ending up together.

We have kissed in the past and also have slept with each other. She always stopped things before it could be a real relationship. I ask her if she likes me and she doesn’t give me a straight answer. So I recently asked her again she said yes but doesn’t know how much she likes me. But she’s always talking about this other guy she really likes. So last night I told her we can’t see or hang out anymore for a while due to me not wanting to catch any more feelings for her if she’s into another guy. I told her this and she left and started crying.

Later that night we all went out and she calls the guy she’s into and shows everyone in our group of friends who he is. What should I do now? I have tried to apologize but she’s ignoring me now. I can’t get her out of my head. I really like her, and I want her to understand that I wasn’t trying to hurt her, I was just trying to give her freedom because I didn’t think she liked me. I was trying to respect her, not push her away. What do I do to let her know that?

TIA! Broken Hearted Miscommunication

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Hey there Broken Hearted Miscommunication,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time. It seems like from the start you two have been in a difficult spot. It seems like you keep going back and forth; barely crossing the line between friends and something more from both sides. The fact that you keep getting drawn back to each other just shows that you are both worried about having a real relationship with each other, but at the same time, you are worried about being without each other.

Before you do anything else, I think you should stop and think about why you want to be with this girl. What do you feel for her? Are you only interested because she is someone you feel you shouldn't be with? Do you feel like you are risking or hurting your friendship with her brother? What is it that you like about her? I think you should make a list of the pros and cons of your situation and the relationship you have had up to this point with her. When you look at the list, try and see if the pros are strong enough to make the cons worth overlooking.

If you can look past the issues and be willing to work through them, then I recommend you find a time to meet up with her in a way where there aren't tons of other people around you ready to interject. This might even be best if done over the phone. Without outside distractions, you should be able to work through some of the issues and decide what is best for both of you.

From there I suggest you tell her that your relationship with her is important. Tell her that you want her in your life, but you aren't sure how to go about keeping her there in a way that won't hurt either of you. Tell her that you can feel that she is holding back, but you aren't sure why, and you don't want to force her into talking about it. However, make sure that she knows that if she is ready to talk about it that you are here to listen.

Most importantly, tell her that you weren't trying to cut her out of your life permanently. If she really has feelings for this other guy, then she may want to explore them. But if she does that, she needs to understand that you are not just someone who can be on standby for when and if she changes her mind. If you two are just going to be friends, you just need a little distance to get back into the mindset of someone who is just a friend, not a lover.

If she can't understand that or accept that your feelings for her are so strong at this point that you can't sit around and watch her with someone else without trying to move past it, then she isn't a real friend. She may even come out and say that she is torn because she has feelings for both you and this other guy, but aren't sure which ones are stronger. If that's the case, then she still has to make a decision about who she wants a romantic relationship with, you or him.

That doesn't mean you won't be friends or be able to share happy times later on down the line. That simply means that you need distance for now.

I hope this helps and if you can, email us again and let us know how it went.

Good luck!

~Cordelia Cross