Sad and Confused

Dear Cordelia,

I turned 21 three weeks ago and my boyfriend is still only 20. We’ve been dating since we were 16. My family took me out of town for the week for my birthday. I didn’t invite him to my trip because he won’t be allowed to drink even though my parents said I could. He is upset because I said no when they offered for him to join us. How do I make him see he is being wrong?

Sad and Confused.

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Dear Sad and Confused,

For just a moment, I think that it would be best if you tried to see this from his perspective. Turning 21 is a huge milestone in a person’s life. It’s a time where you get a chance to let loose and find out what your limits are. You even get to learn about yourself along the way. If you have been in a relationship that has lasted almost five years, it’s pretty safe to say that you have been through a lot together and have huge parts of your lives intertwined.

By keeping him from coming to your celebration it makes it seem like you were so focused on all the reasons that him being there would ruin your night, instead of the reasons it could be better. This should be a time you spend with people you care about while exploring new things. The fact that he isn’t downing alcohol doesn’t mean that he isn’t experiencing things at all.

If you were worried that having him there would create issues or “hold you back” you should have sat down with him and had a conversation about your concerns before the trip. Being in a relationship for half a decade should show you that talking about these things instead of trying to force a decision on your own would have had much better results. In this case, it seems like you were in the wrong, not him.

The only way to try and mend this situation is to sit down and actually communicate where you were coming from and give him a chance to discuss his side as well. After you talk, make sure you apologize for alienating him and taking away the chance to communicate about it first. It’s okay to feel the way you do about things, but how you express them makes all the difference. Then try to work through this disconnect. If you each take the time to listen to both sides and discuss how you can handle things differently in the future I am sure you will find yourselves in a much better place.

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia <3