Feeling Stuck in an Unhappy Relationship

Cordelia,

I am 26, and I am currently engaged to the man my mother set me up with. He is hard-working, charming, ready to settle down, and capable of taking care of his family. I was content in the relationship, although it did feel like I was settling a little bit. At times it just seems like the romance just isn’t there anymore.

I could chalk up the lack of romance to stress as we have a lot going on. However, the main problem is that he criticizes me a lot, especially my appearance. I am not the most gorgeous person on the planet, but I am good looking. But from the time we started dating he has made many comments about my appearance; my legs are too thick, I should get my teeth whitened, get all my body hair waxed, get rid of skin blemishes, etc. When I am out running errands other men tell me that I’m quite pretty, have a nice body, and have even asked me out. Because of these interactions with others, my self-confidence is pretty high and did not let his comments affect me.

But recently he has gotten a lot worse and told me to get breast implants. He also told me that I need to work out more and to stop eating after 10 pm so I don’t gain weight and make him look bad. I am appalled, and hurt by these comments, and told him so.

After I told him how much what he was saying actually hurt me, he told me that he was simply trying to “fix” me and make me a hotter person. What should I do? My mother loves having him around and he is really good to her and my siblings. Usually, my mother won’t even hold a genuine conversation with me, however, since I told her that I was engaged, she is always trying to spend time with me in preparation for the big day. I feel lost.

Sincerely,

Feeling Stuck

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Feeling Stuck,

I am so sorry that you have been treated that way, especially by your fiance. When you are getting ready to get married to someone, you are pledging to share your life with that person until the day that you die. That is a pretty strong vow to make and it should only be made with someone that you love fully. Issues aside, if you are looking at your relationship and feeling like you settled in choosing to be with someone because that is what your mother wants, then you shouldn't be moving forward with committing to that relationship for life. That just isn't fair to you or to him.

When you are with someone that you question your feelings for, seeds of resentment begin to grow. Later on down the line, you may have regrets wondering what your life would be like if you hadn't settled. In relationships and marriage, there should be a compromise; an arrangement where both people give and take equally without taking each other for granted. In the rare occasions that you do happen to take a loved one for granted, you should work to fix it and make it up to them. When you settle, you are lowering your standards and your values for someone else while sacrificing yourself, without them budging to offer the same for you. That isn't right, and you deserve to have someone give the same effort you are willing to give.

When it comes to the way he speaks to you, there are far more issues than what can be fit into this post. I saw that you mentioned that your mother already loves him like a son. You also mentioned that her love for him has helped mend your relationship with her. Has she ever heard the way he speaks to you, or is it something he does when there isn't anyone around? Maybe she just doesn't realize how badly he treats you. I recommend talking to her about it. If your relationship with her has truly gotten better, she should be more open and understanding. The things he says and does may not be physical abuse, but they are definitely emotional abuse. If your mother can't accept that he isn't right for you and that how he is treating you is wrong, then maybe you don't need her in your life as much as you think you do.

When you love someone, you are supposed to accept them as a whole, the things you like, and the things you may not. But you aren't supposed to rip them apart and tear them down so they feel vulnerable enough to change into what you want them to be. This is what he is trying to do to you. If he isn't happy with your appearance, or what makes you who you are on the inside and out, then he doesn't deserve to be with you. As important as "appearance" is to him, he should be more worried about what his actions look like to others. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that, or told that you need implants. Most importantly he shouldn't be trying to "fix" you or make you hotter, he should love you as you are.

You are who you are for a reason. If he can't love you for you then maybe he should find someone who he can. You deserve to love someone worthy of your love, who loves you in return. He does not seem like that kind of man. I recommend you take some space from him to decide what is best for you and what YOU want, not what you think your mother wants, or what he would want.

If you decide that you are going your own way, it may be hard at first, but in the long run, I believe you would be much happier. If you decide to give him another chance, you should make sure that he understands that this would be his final chance and that if he belittles you in the way that he has in the past, you will leave him. Standing up for yourself is really the only way anything would change with him. If he can't commit to that change, or if he falls into old habits, you should leave him. There aren't any reasons that are good enough to put up with that kind of treatment.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck. If you get a moment, please send us an update and let us know how things have gone.

With Love,

~Cordelia Cross